Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality.

               Days

I've seen the world explode,
Factions everywhere,
Stuck in a new type of mode,
No one said it was fair,
Morality reloads,
While wisdom dares,
     Roll the dice one more time,
       To make the day once again mine

Nicole
Before the moment ends,
And i must bare it all,
To discover if she's only a friend,
Prechance to have to again crawl,
If rejection is preordained,
I still stumble blindly down that lane.

She has said the words,
As i have said them back,
She means more to me then worlds,
Even if the deck has been stacked.
Once chance for happiness,
Last chance to forget lonliness,
She is all that i have left,
I don't know what i would do,
           If she ever left...

 Goodbye and Hello, as always.

Well, i'll soon find out about what's going on with the my orders for the army sometime in august. I'll keep everyone updated, incase anyone cares. Anyhow, i'll try to put out some more poetic words before, if and when, i depart again. Hope everyone is well, and happy. 
Goodbye and Hello, as always.

              The End part II
Cause when you showed me the way,
    I closed my eyes,
          And walked the other way,
Walking once again alone in the dark,
 Words once vibrant,
 Now lost and no longer stark,
And finding out along the way,
         That I've walked this path before,
But i still don't know what for,
 And seeing all the parallels,
      With still no one standing around,
Celebrating my lone burial.  

           The End

I'm writing one last
Story before i lost the past,
When i was caught in between,
All the pain and all my broken dreams,
Because when i had to go away,
And kept losing day after day,
Constantly searching for any way,
To ease the pain,
     And end the shame,
Tired of passing on all the blame,
Waking up to see all the same,
Recounting this harrowing tale,
And to try to find the courage,
        To walk down the right trail.

Any minute now,
My ship is comming in,
I keep checking the horizon,
And i'll stand on the bow,
And feel the waves come crashing,
Come crashing down, down, down on me,
And you say,
Be still my love,
Open up your heart,
Let the light shine in,
Don't you understand,
I already have a plan,
I'm waiting for my real life to begin;

And i woke today,
Suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams,
I slew the dragon,
And down this beaten path,
Up this cobbled lane,
Walking in my old footsteps,
Once again,
And you say,
Just be here now,
Forget about the past,
The mask is wearing thin,
Just let me throw one more dice,
I know that i can win,
I'm waiting for my real life to begin,

Any minute now,
A ship is comming in,
I keep checking the horizon,
And i'll check my machine,
It's sure to be that call,
It's gonna happen soon, soon, so very soon,
It's just that time to leave,
And you say,
Be still my love,
Open up your heart,
Let the light shine in,
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan,
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

On a clear day,
I can see,
See a very long way,
On a clear day,
I can see,
Forever.

 

 I've been sitting here, drinking and looking at a blank notepad and a pen in my hand. I used to be able to start writing and just keep going until i created a poem or an essay. I think that i've run out of stories to tell; poems to portray. I go back into the army next month, waiting to be shipped out to some god awful country. I've never known how i would die, it takes the mystery out of it, and in the past, considering some of the things i've survived, i thought myself near immortal. I've survived things nobody should. Not only survived, but walked away without a scratch on me. Soon i go into a war zone; two tours. I never thought i would die anywhere but where i chose. My entire life i've waiting for something to come along, something to make things worth while, to make my life means something, anything. Since that will never happan, maybe in death something good will come from my life. Anyway, i suppose it's back to looking at that blank notepad. 

   Meaning
Before that last moment comes,
Thinking of lost times and of you,
I don't think it will be a stun,
I'll regret everything i didn't do,
And some of the things that i did,
And some that were forbidden,
Moments left undone,
Times that i wish could be redone,
Losing time,
  Losing youth,
Self-esteem in decline,
 Finding some truth-
Moments hanging in time,
People left behind,
And as that last moment comes;
     My leaving,
Prehaps my life will somehow in death,
     Found meaning--
 

 No where

        That One
Find that one poem,
 A poem about love,
Searching for the one last poem,
 A story worth telling of,
The one that sets apart a life,
 Partial redemption for sins,
Partial healing for strife,
 One great story that begins,
The middle has the good parts,
 The ending is always sad,
A world that tore a soul apart,
 The ending is always sad,
But make the chose to remember
 The love and the friends,
Remember resolutions made at the end of
          every December,
Remember that every begining has to have
                an end.
Remember the joy and the good times,
 Don't forget the sadness,
Don't forget the madness,
 Don't let anyone take away thoughs times,
               From you.

          Amy-X

Beginings that end
   Right agter they start,
A bright, full of life;
    Shinning light.
Reminding me that sometimes,
Dreams can come true,
Only at the exact wrong times,
To irony i shall again pay my dues.
When we met i had to look away,
    And back again to you,
 Since then i haven't been able
     To take my eyes off of you,
Now i can't even bare the pain of seeing
                        You.

                       Dreams

I used to stare at the stars and dream,
Searching for some kind of meaning,
Isolated blackened dreaming,
Full of wonder; possibly seeming-

Anything would actually be possible,
There would be no lines or being jaded,
Things that i thought were impossible,
It was what my whole life; what i waited;
                       For-

             Awake

As my dream is ending,
and although i'll be cound asleep,
          A tear i'll cry,
Slowly fading mending,
It was how that i got by,
 Eyes half open now,
        Fully awake-       

Soldiers

I.
Fighting soldiers from the sky,
Landing all silently and close by,
  All hidden and out of sight,
Then while men fought through the night,
Tracers illuminating green and red lights,
All that has now become so trite,
Never personal, tere is no spite,
   Neither is there a,
          Respite.

It sounded like three kalashnikov ak-47's. We had taken up
covering positions by the side of our downed cobra. Ammo
and gear was limited, only what we had in the eject pod, and
our sidearms. Even assuming out difress call went out and
was received, it would take a blackhawk atleast thirty minutes
to reach us.

II. 
And when is all said and done,
My dreams will consisit of C's and grunts,
Dreams that will never leace me un-stuned,
 So we smoke blunts, and drink beers,
          And we wait;
We wait for the next time,
We wait for that red light and chime,
And we wait to go through it all again,
           One more time.

A racket of AK fire could be heard echoing off the valley walls,
and off the side of our now bullet riddled chopper. Sparatic p-90
fire would ensure, just to remind them we still have bullets, and
to stay the fuck back. Doc had already been hit once by now, and
was in the middle of changing a clip when i heard what sounded
not like three ak's but about twelve or thirteen. The valley was slowly
filling up with them, and soon we'd be out flanked in every direction.
Not to mention that a lucky shot or rpg could clip the gas tanks; i knew
we couldn't stay here.

III
I've left friends behind me,
   Some dead,
            All in pain;
Whispering close,
    Don't let us die,
            In vain;
Eventually i looked around, and all of my
                     Friends are dead;
Imagines of blood,
     Spraying red,
Dreams that will never,  
             Let me go,
                 Or leave me alone.
Like a suture or a stitch,
                Into me head,
                      They are sewn.

With carefully aimed, sparatic shots, we were able to hold them back
for almost fourty minutes now. Doc had taken two more bullet since,
bringing his total up to three, one which missed his plating and hit center
mass; it looked bad. I took one in the shoulder that wasn't bothering me
due to the morphine. While i was loading what was now my final pistol 
magazine, and wondering how long Doc could go without a doctor, i
thought i heard a sound in the distance, something that sounding 
similar to rotars. So i began our last stand, i laid down supressing fire
with both mine and Doc's pistol and screamed to him what it was. My
Clips were dry by the time he began to spoke, instead of looking up,
i watched him. The last thing that said before he died brought a smile
to his face, "Three Cobra's and a Blackhawk, we did it.".
 

               
                    Changes
I've had dreams that were broken,
Refuge to the blood and tokin',
While life keeps slipping on by,
Now to make it through the day I,
           Have to get high;
Soon they start up again, the lies;
     Smoking,
                Dosing,
                        Sniffing,
                                   Shooting,
People don't change she says,
  And  old habits never truely die,
Immitating the ones that shoot,
                Mainline;
Soaring so high up above,
             Always so high;
Waving as i floated up,
  Accepteaance in everyone's eyes'
       Until i'm forced to say goodbye.

The best opening line from any movie in history, Goodfellas, 'As far back as  i can remember, i've always wanted to be a gangster'
 

                Waiting

How would do spend your last night
                      On earth?
I suppose some would spend it
                      In a church,
Others spending it doing the things they have
                  Always wanted to;
Some will try to do both,
Even if the pair was both new;
As for me, in sullen distraction,
I would spend it in reflection,
       No more dejection;
With a bottle on fine scotch whiskey,
Remenitions amound being misty,
A nihilist awaiting the endm
    Just waiting,
         Always waiting--
So how would tou live,
     Your last night on earth?

 

            Causilities

There is only outcast now,
It can only be allowed now,
Prepair the burialshroud,
                Now,
Save sometimes when i'm called,
When it becomes real, when it finally,
             Dawned.
Running up an air ramp,
Fate becomes like a person following you,
Invisible at times,
             Even with a lamp,
Some times She leaves signs,
Other times you won't even hear,
She is cold and cunning, slipping with silent,
                   Zeal,
Other times She is is vicsious and violent,
And after all the times i've seen it done,
Watching smoking sub machine guns,
I can't help but look,
And wonder breifly of the lives that fate,
                  Took,
Sometimes he becomes visible,
 Hallucination or visual;
Transparently following you; talking to,
                  You-
After enough body counts,
    You begin to become jaded and shrewd,
Causilties, some were true,
     Nothing to do,
            But count some more-